7 Steps In Writing a Grief Journal

There are 7 stages of grief that we all go through after the loss of a loved one. Writing or writing in a journal (sometimes called journaling) is one therapeutic way of helping yourself through this traumatic experience and grief.

I have found that once you let the thoughts flow and get them down on paper it is out of your head for the time being and some of the pressure and torment is released. Some people choose to write and keep the writings to read at a later date to see how far they have progressed in their healing process. Some people decide to burn their writings as a form of closure for themselves. Another form of writing is writing a "letter" to your loved one. If it makes you feel more comfortable to write as if you are talking to them, then by all means do that.

Free form writing; just writing as you think, with random thoughts and without any structure whatsoever can help with the anger part of grief. If you are a more structured writer, then using an outlined form will help if maybe some day you decided to publish a book or something to leave to "your" loved ones after you are gone.

1. ANGER: Write what you feel about the anger of losing the loved one, whether it is anger at the loved one, anger at yourself for something you felt you should have done differently or just anger in general because of your loss.

a. Who are you angry at?

b. Why are you angry at them?

c. If you are angry at yourself, why?

2. SHOCK AND DENIAL: Shock and denial is another stage of the grieving process we go through.

a. What happened?

b. Why did it happen?

c. When did it happen?

d. Could you have prevented it?

3. PAIN, REGRET AND GUILT: We all have pain, regret and guilt after a loved one dies. It is how we come to terms with these emotions that will help in the healing process.

a. The pain you feel, is it from loneliness, sadness, the loss of a future that is never to be?

b. Regret. After the death of a loved one, there is always regret. Do you regret something you said, something you did, something you did do or did not do?

c. Guilt. Do you feel guilty about something you should have told your loved one? Do you feel guilty about not trying to change something that happened that day? (maybe one more kiss would have kept him or her from being in that accident; maybe if you had taken him or her to another doctor or hospital).

4. LONELINESS, DEPRESSION, EMPTINESS AND DESPAIR:

a. Loneliness: How do you feel about being alone? Have you ever lived alone before? How will you manage alone?

b. Depression: Is what you are experiencing normal grief or temporary depression or maybe clinical depression? If you have thoughts of suicide or joining your loved one; seek medical attention immediately.

c. Emptiness: Describe what you are feeling, how you feel inside and why?

d. Despair: Do you feel there is no hope of ever coming through this? Do you feel that there will be a future for you but you just have to grieve in your own time?

5. ADJUSTING TO LIFE WITHOUT YOUR "LOVED ONE"

a. Describe how you feel having to make all of the decisions alone now with your loved one gone and you are unable to talk to them about it?

b. Are you financially able to make it on your own or do you have to make major decisions concerning your living arrangements?

c. Do you have hobbies or interests you can resume or begin one that you have always wanted to try?

6. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE: Whether you decide it is better to accept or acknowledge what has happened is up to you. You have to go through this journey the best way you know how to.

a. Do you accept what has happened?

b. Do you acknowledge what has happened?

c. Do you accept or acknowledge that you did all you could do that was within your control?

7. MOVING FORWARD VERSUS MOVING ON. I do not like the term moving on. In my way of thinking it seems as though I am leaving my husband and my memories behind. I choose to look at it as moving forward with my life but taking my husband and my many memories with me.

a. Write about what you feel as time progresses.

b. Write about what you plan to do or would like to do as you make a new life for yourself.

I am a firm believer in writing to clear your head of all of the jumbled thoughts you have running around in there causing more confusion, stress and ultimately health problems.

Again it is your preference of how and what you write on or in. You can purchase journals with or without lines, journals with or without quotes for prompts to help you get started in writing. You can also just use a regular spiral bound notebook or a composition book for your journal or even a scrap of paper tucked safely away somewhere. It doesn't matter what you use, just write and get all of those feelings out and down on paper.

I have created a text document called My Grief Journal that you can download and print to get started. You can print as many of these as you need for each day and put them in a 3-ring binder to start off your writing and then transfer to a more permanent journal. If I have written on other pieces of paper or scraps of paper, I fold them and insert them into my journal book, secured with a paper clip or if the piece of paper is small enough, just glue or tape it to the journal page.

I am now 7 months into my own "journey of grief" and I will admit I do much better at giving advice than taking it myself but I am working on it. If something I have written here helps someone else or even me, then I will have accomplished what I have set out to do.

Amazon.com has lots of different journals and books to pick from. Just enter "blank journal" in the search box.



I am here for support. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

If you have any problem with the text document My Grief Journal, let me know.

Major Decisions

No matter what your circumstances are, you have suffered a great loss that has altered your life forever in so many ways. There are so many decisions to be made and it can be a daunting task without help and support and living through the shock and "fog" that seems to surround you. You begin to question your own sanity and wonder if you will ever be able to make a rational decision again…ever.

If at all possible DO NOT make any major decisions for at least a year. There may be circumstances beyond your control that would necessitate making a decision because of financial and/or other reasons. Seek advice from someone you trust and try to make the best decision that you can at the time.

In my case I had to make two major decisions within a couple of months after losing my husband, Rea. One was to find another job as I had been laid off about a month after my husband passing away. The other major decision I had to make was to move to a different apartment. I could no longer afford “our home” on my own income. These were two more traumatic experiences I had to endure in the middle of the most traumatic time of my life.

I hate to use the word "lucky" in writing about the loss of a loved one but if you are "lucky" enough to not have to work and are able to stay in your home if you choose and not have to make any type of major decisions, take this time to let yourself heal.

If you find yourself in a position where you have to move to another home or even move in with relatives, life can be more stressful at this time for everyone involved and your recovery may take longer. I also do not like the word recovery.

You will never recover to the point of "life as you knew it" before this event. I should use the word adjust because that is what you are learning to do; adjust to a new you and a new life without your loved one by your side.

I will admit I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of my husband and I don't have all of the answers; I don't think anyone does. I try to take the advice of many members of my GriefShare Yahoo Support Group to get through this time of grief and rediscovery of myself and a new way of living. It seems for every one step forward I take, the next day I will have taken three steps backwards again. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel; I just haven’t seen it yet.

Try to remember:

Unless absolutely necessary, DO NOT make any major decisions for a year.

Take the time you need for yourself; cry, rant, rave and talk to someone.

Join a support group to help you through this time with people who know exactly what you are going through.

If at any time you have thoughts of "joining your loved one", please seek help immediately. Call a friend, get with your support group or even go to an Emergency Room. Your loved one would not want you to harm yourself in any way. You have to live on to keep their memory alive and be proud of knowing and loving them and the time you had together.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. (I have to work on this one myself).

As always, I am here for support and sure could use some myself at times. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

Grief - Unresolved Feelings and Regrets (Should-a, Could-a, Would-a)

Your loved one is gone now.

Maybe your loved one went through a long battle with an illness and you were the caregiver and gave your all but you still think, "I should have done this. I would have done this or I could have done that".

Your situation may be that it was a sudden death. You never had a chance to say goodbye. Maybe you had an argument the night before or that morning and said things you cannot take back.

In my case, my husband and I buried our heads in the sand and didn't want to face the fact that he was really that sick. After all, he was an Army Airborne Ranger, having served 30 years in the US Army. He survived many near death situations and close calls but he made it through those times. Why wouldn’t this time be any different? We still had the belief, strength and hope that he would make it through this crisis.

In the days following, you mull over and over in your head what you "should-a, could-a, would-a" said and done if you had only known. I have and am still struggling with the "should-a, could-a, would-a" regrets and guilt.

We all need to learn (including myself) not torture ourselves over what we have no control over now.

1. If you were the caregiver, he or she knew you loved them by the time you spent with them and caring for them.

2. If you had an argument before. You know in your heart it would have been resolved. We all say and do things at times that we don’t really mean. Your loved one knows that and I can guarantee they do not hold anything against you for it.

3. If you tried to get him or her to go to a doctor or the Emergency Room and they refused, you did all you could do. They were going to do what they wanted to do and nothing is going to change that.

Whether you were with your loved one at the end or not, I can almost without a doubt say they were thinking of you at that last moment. I was with my husband at the end. I was also with both my mother and father at their times of leaving this world. Since those times I have said more than once, "I never want to go through anything like that again, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be any place else at that time".

Again, if you were not able to be with your loved one, your love was with them at the time and they are with you now.

I have a friend who lost her husband in 2006 and we were talking and venting about grief and dealing with life after losing a spouse. She copes with her grief in her own way.

She believes that if on the day her husband passed away of an undetected inherited family medical illness and it had been a normal day with her husband driving their son to school; she would have lost both of them. Her sister in law would not have known she also had this same condition, as well as the daughter. My friend now knows that her son should have a medical check up periodically to monitor this inherited condition. As we ended our conversation she also mentioned, "How many lives would have changed and been lost if he had been driving on a freeway that morning?".

Don’t misunderstand, she loved her husband dearly but she has chosen to see the other side of "Should-a, Could-a, Would-a".

I thought to myself, "What a unique woman to have learned to cope with her loss in this way". I cannot apply her thinking to my situation. I see no benefit to anyone whatsoever for my husband being gone. Maybe one day when I have been on this journey a little longer I may be able to look at things from a different perspective, but not yet.

The point I am trying to make is that we have to help ourselves along this "journey we never wanted to be on".

1. Just remember you loved him or her and that will never change. Tell them now. Talk to them.

2. Do you REALLY feel that you did all you could for your loved one? Tell them now. Talk to them.

3. Whatever happened that "day or night" it was their choice such as not going to a doctor or an Emergency Room.

4. Whatever happened that "day or night" was out of their hands also; they didn’t plan to have a car accident or be a victim of some other event.

I still have my own issues with questioning why this happened and questioning my faith in God and I will discuss that in another post but The Serenity Prayer does seem appropriate at this time.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr

As always, let’s help each other on our "journey". You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

There Is No Time Table for Grieving

There is no set time limit to your grief. Some people may start to recover in as little as three months or six months and some may still be grieving a year after or even longer. Don’t let anyone tell you “It’s time to move on”.

Your grief and loss is your own and no one else’s. Just because their lives have continued on as if nothing has happened, yours hasn’t. Something major and life changing has happened to you and your total way of life as you know it.

Maybe you are a younger person whose life was just starting with that special someone. You both had so many plans, hopes and dreams for the future that will no longer be. Maybe you find yourself now as a single parent wondering, "What do I do now and how can I go on?". Or you may be like myself, a little older and finally found love again and it has been taken away from you.

The shock and the "fog" you are living in right now is nature’s way of protecting you from the harsh reality of what has happened. As you begin to heal some of the reality of the event and the impact it is having on your life seeps in a little at a time as you are able to deal with it.

There will be days of non-stop crying and days where you will not cry at all and think that you are all "cried out" but then something will happen to trigger those emotions all over again. Don’t suppress the need to cry. Even though it is exhausting, it is also a part of the healing process to "get it all out".

Many times I have wanted to scream, cry and break everything in the house but then I would hear my husband’s voice telling me, "You will have to clean it up" and I stop thinking about breaking things. I sometimes wonder if I could have dealt with things better if I had broken a few dishes to vent my anger and frustration of being left alone.

To quote from another website on grief:

Time does not heal in itself

"It is what you do with it, and it is important to remember that the length of the course of grief is not a sign of weakness. Each person will be unique in their time of grieving." Reflections on Death

Remember, take some time for yourself. If you need to:
1. Sleep.
2. Cry.
3. Break things, unless you hate cleaning it up afterward.
4. Talk a walk,
5. Listen to music.
6. Talk with a friend.
7. Find a support group either locally or online.

JUST DO IT !!

You need to take the time YOU need to heal without anyone putting any "time limits" on your grieving.

Take care.

As always, I am here for support. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

February 14, 2009 – First Valentine’s Day Alone

As I sit here on this Valentine’s Day of February 14, 2009, this is my first Valentine’s Day alone without my husband. He has been gone now six months on the 17th. I still bought him a Valentine’s Day card and a rose and lit a candle in his honor which I will continue to do on “our special days”.

I started this blog for my own healing process and hopefully I can help someone else along the way. If you have found my blog and continue reading, you are here for a reason – the loss of a loved one; spouse, mother, father, child and unfortunately the list can go on.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. This is coming from my heart as I am dealing with a loss myself.

Grief is a heart wrenching and deep in your gut emotion to go through. I believe that the grief process affects each of us in different ways depending upon who the loved one is.

They say there are 7 stages of grief that each one of us will go through but not necessarily in the order listed.

1. Shock and Denial.
2. Pain, Regret and Guilt.
3. Anger; Lashing Out on Someone Else and Bargaining.
4. Loneliness, Depression, Emptiness and Despair.
5. Adjusting to Life Without Your “Loved One”
6. Moving Forward versus Moving On.
7. Acknowledgment and Hope (I believe there is never total acceptance).

In the wee early morning hours of Sunday, August 17, 2008 as I left my husband’s hospital room with his belongings in hand, I took my first "Widow’s Walk" to the car. It was the longest walk of my life and I still only remember parts of it. I remember dropping some things and wanted to just sit in the parking lot and scream and cry but I also knew if I did that I would probably never get back up for hours. I picked up what I had dropped and continued on to the car. I sat there in the car for what seemed like a few more hours before driving home to our empty apartment. I don’t remember driving home but for some strange reason I remember sitting at one traffic light. Why I remember that one traffic light, I have no idea.

In addition to the shock and disbelief that I was feeling, I was also a new bride of two days. I thought to myself, “How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time?” We were married in his hospital room on Friday, August 15, 2008. We both believed and hoped we had many more years together and we “just knew” he was going to pull through this crisis; however, it was not to be.

If you are in the stages of grief, I hope you will follow along with me as I go through my healing process and share in my goal to help someone else through their own trying time.

I have learned a lot through these last six months and I hope to share my experiences with you, as well as become support for those of you who need it. Maybe you have friends and family who are there for you or maybe you have no one but yourself to deal with your loss. Sometimes other people just do not "get it" especially when it comes to losing a spouse. We feel as if part of us died at the same time our loved one did. We are no longer whole. We have to learn to live life as "one" again and exist as a completely different person.

I plan to discuss many topics concerning Grief – Life During and After; some of which will be…

1. Self-help: Support Groups locally and online and books.
2. Dealing with funeral arrangements.
3. Taking care of yourself during this major ordeal in your life.
4. Dealing with children and their loss – now that you are a single parent.

and many more topics I have had to deal with.

I am just one person going through my own process but I would like to be there to discuss any feelings, issues or problems you are going through. I am not a professional in any sense of the word, no degrees or titles, just a grieving widow trying to find my way in the world again.

Let’s help each other. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After