A Memorial to My Husband

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Major Decisions

No matter what your circumstances are, you have suffered a great loss that has altered your life forever in so many ways. There are so many decisions to be made and it can be a daunting task without help and support and living through the shock and "fog" that seems to surround you. You begin to question your own sanity and wonder if you will ever be able to make a rational decision again…ever.

If at all possible DO NOT make any major decisions for at least a year. There may be circumstances beyond your control that would necessitate making a decision because of financial and/or other reasons. Seek advice from someone you trust and try to make the best decision that you can at the time.

In my case I had to make two major decisions within a couple of months after losing my husband, Rea. One was to find another job as I had been laid off about a month after my husband passing away. The other major decision I had to make was to move to a different apartment. I could no longer afford “our home” on my own income. These were two more traumatic experiences I had to endure in the middle of the most traumatic time of my life.

I hate to use the word "lucky" in writing about the loss of a loved one but if you are "lucky" enough to not have to work and are able to stay in your home if you choose and not have to make any type of major decisions, take this time to let yourself heal.

If you find yourself in a position where you have to move to another home or even move in with relatives, life can be more stressful at this time for everyone involved and your recovery may take longer. I also do not like the word recovery.

You will never recover to the point of "life as you knew it" before this event. I should use the word adjust because that is what you are learning to do; adjust to a new you and a new life without your loved one by your side.

I will admit I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of my husband and I don't have all of the answers; I don't think anyone does. I try to take the advice of many members of my GriefShare Yahoo Support Group to get through this time of grief and rediscovery of myself and a new way of living. It seems for every one step forward I take, the next day I will have taken three steps backwards again. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel; I just haven’t seen it yet.

Try to remember:
  • Unless absolutely necessary, DO NOT make any major decisions for a year.
  • Take the time you need for yourself; cry, rant, rave and talk to someone.
  • Join a support group to help you through this time with people who know exactly what you are going through.
  • If at any time you have thoughts of "joining your loved one", please seek help immediately. Call a friend, get with your support group or even go to an Emergency Room. Your loved one would not want you to harm yourself in any way. You have to live on to keep their memory alive and be proud of knowing and loving them and the time you had together.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. (I have to work on this one myself).

  • As always, I am here for support and sure could use some myself at times. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After