Memorial Day 2009

I have been thinking a lot in the last few days about Memorial Day and my husband. Although he did not die in action, he did die as a result of his 30 years of service to our country and our freedom, as did many, many other men and women.

I am so proud of my husband and the sacrifices he made. I always made a special effort to tell him how proud I was of him. I have also started at every opportunity that I can, to thank any one who is in the military or was in the military for their service and sacrifice too.

Until you live with someone who is in the military or has been in the military, you have no idea of the horrors and cruelty that they see and go through and are left to deal with the memories, most of the time on their own. These men and women relive these memories, sites and sounds in their minds over and over. It is something they can never really erase from their minds.

My husband told me of some of the things he endured, saw and had to do during his many years of service in the Army. I now have those visions engraved in my mind too. I did not live through those moments like he did but they are now with me forever as they were for him. Hearing the stories and living through it are totally different. I don't have the nightmares and the sleepless nights like he did but the visions I do have are real enough.

Every day we see on TV the things that our service men and women are going through but we just kind of pass the pictures on the screen out of our minds when the news report is over. They cannot do that.

On this Memorial Day, please take it upon yourselves to remember the ones we have lost and make a special effort to "THANK" the ones who have served and are still here with us. Please don't take for granted what their sacrifices provide to each and every one of us every day of our lives.

I thank each and every one of our service men and women who we have lost and those who are still protecting our freedom even now. May God be with you and protect you.

To my husband, Sergeant Major Rea Bradley Ellithorpe:

I miss you and love you now and always. I am so proud of you for the sacrifices that you made risking your life for our country and our freedom. I am also angry that this sacrifice has taken you away from me so soon.

Rest in Peace My Love. Your pain and torment is over now but my pain is still very real while trying to go on without you.

Part of me died with you that Sunday morning of August 17, 2008. My heart is always with you and you are always with me until we are together again.

Memories Of Sergeant Major Rea B. Ellithorpe

Medications to Cope With Grief - Yes or No?

There has been a lot of discussion lately on the Grief groups that I belong to concerning the use of medications while you are going through grief. I would say the opinions are about half and half.

Some believe that medications should not be used because it delays the grieving time and some believe there is nothing wrong in using medications to help you cope with the pain and grief you are going through.

While each of us grieve differently and have different opinions on the subject of medications, it ultimately comes down to what your doctor believes is best for you and your situation. Your doctor will know best, what medications you can be put on, if any and determine if an anti-depressant or an anti-anxiety medication will react in some way to other medications you may be already taking.

I suffer from clinical depression and have most of my life, so if I am to function at all through this time of my life, I have to take both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. More than likely because I have a history of depression and anxiety, I will have to continue with medications for the long term.

Situational depression such as what people experience when they lose a loved one is most generally a temporary condition. You can choose to "suffer through it" or talk with your doctor about temporary help with medication. If you do not have a past history of depression, a short course of medication may help you through the rough times.

As with any anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication make sure you are closely monitored by your doctor. It is not advisable to simply stop these medications; you have to taper off of them gradually.

I believe it is firmly "embedded" in most people's minds that if you have to be on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication that there is some kind of mental problem and they shy away from the idea of taking the medications. While clinical depression is a medical condition, it does not mean you are crazy or ready for a psychiatric ward.

My doctor explained "clinical depression" to me in this way:
Imagine you are driving on a road with lots of hills and valleys, you drive down into one of the valleys in the road and your car stalls. You cannot get it started to be able to continue with your ride. With clinical depression there are chemical imbalances that react somewhat in the same way. The chemicals in your body drop down and you are in one of those valleys and you are unable to bring yourself out of it without medicinal help.

Situational depression is a reaction to the death of a loved one, losing a job, an illness, children moving out of the house and many other reasons can cause situational depression.

If you are completely against medications to help with your depression and anxiety through your grieving process, Neil Nedley, M.D. has written a very interesting book if you are seeking an alternative to medications.

Dr. Nedley gives you a well-referenced, in-depth comprehension of how depression affects the person mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Depression: The Way Out

So whatever your beliefs are, remember you have to do what is best for you to get through this time of grief.

If you are trying to deal with your grief on your own, there are plenty of Yahoo Groups that you can join to talk with people who are going through the same thing that you are and know exactly what you are feeling.

The two internet grief support groups that I recommend and belong to are:

GriefShare

Veterans Widows

I am lucky to have the support of my daughter, son in law and my two grandchildren and close friends but I also needed to talk with people who were feeling the same as I was.

I don't think I would have made it as far as I have without the support and comfort from the people in both of these groups and I thank each and every one of them for being there for me when no one else was able to be around.

Signs and Messages From Your Loved One

This is a topic I am a little reluctant to write about because some people may think that it is crazy. They make think the grieving person is out of touch with reality and ready for psychiatric help. This is not true, so do not worry about them.

Of course I am sure there are exceptions to this. If a grieving person you know is acting totally out of character, erratic in behavior and it seems as though they have lost total touch with reality or suicidal, then by all means step in and seek help for them.

If a grieving person tells you they have had signs or messages from their loved ones who have passed on, regardless of what your beliefs are, it is real to them. It can also be a way for them to deal with their loss. They want to keep the spirit of their loved ones close to them in whatever way they feel comfortable.

Unless you are a widow or a widower, you would never understand the peace that it brings to feel that your spouse is still right there with you in spirit watching over you and still letting you know they are there to guide you.

I am not ashamed to admit that since my husband has passed away, I have seen and felt his spirit with me still and I have seen signs that he is still here with me. I am not crazy, I am not losing my mind and I am not ready to be committed to an institution. I find great comfort in any kind of sign I see, feel or smell that reminds me he is still with me.

Some of the things that have happened in my home since I lost my dear husband cannot be explained in any other way. I choose to accept that these signs are from my loving husband and welcome them anytime he wants to make his presence known to me.

I have talked with many widows and widowers who have also had similar experiences. Some have told me of their grandchildren talking with their deceased spouse who would tell them things that there is no way the child would know unless the deceased was relaying a message through the child. It is believed that a child's mind is less cluttered than an adult mind and they are more open to contact with someone who is deceased.

The signs and messages that widows and widowers see, smell, hear and feel are very personal to us. Many, including myself may not want to even mention it to anyone for fear of being thought of as crazy or "losing it".

I am opening up a whole new world here with this topic but I want widows and widowers to know they are not alone in this. I am not talking about anything like mediums, spiritualists, voo-doo or seances; those topics are a whole different subject and meaning.

Okay, I will be brave here and tell you some of the things that have happened since my husband's passing that cannot be explained any other way:

* My husband and I had our cell phones programmed to play "our song" only when we called each other. A few times that I have had to make a tough decision and I did not know what to do, the phone has rang playing "our song" and has played at no other time.

* I woke up one night to find my husband's favorite blanket spread out over me. When I went to sleep the blanket was folded neatly and laying on the corner of the bed.

* My husband loved to play jokes on me and still does. Many times I will go to look for something and it has disappeared; to be found located somewhere else at a later time.

* His new LCD TV was one of his prized possessions. A few times I have been awakened to find the TV on that I absolutely was positive I had turned off before going to bed.

* I went to tell my husband's best friend of his passing. Later on he told me as he was sitting outside later that day thinking of his best friend being gone, a butterfly landed on his shoulder and sat there for a few minutes and then flew away.

* As we talked about this a few days later, we determined that at approximately the same time, I saw many, many butterflies fluttering around my husband's Jeep. I have seen a few butterflies since that time but not so many as I did at that one time.

There are many other things that have happened but I will not go any further in describing them. Judge me as "crazy" if you will but I believe he is still with me and watching over me.

I hope that you never have to go through the experience of losing a spouse but if you are ever in that position, be receptive to the fact that they can and sometimes will let their presence be known to you if you believe.



If you would like to share any of your experiences or stories, your comments are welcome. If you would rather not, I understand because it is a personal and touchy subject.

I invite you to visit ADC Stories if you are interested in other experiences of ADC (After Death Communication).

Coping With Grief – Where is My Support?

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one that is when you need family and friends around you for support the most.

I am a member of two widows groups myself and I hear many stories of family and friends being unsympathetic or disappearing all together leaving the bereaved to cope with their loss all alone.

Some people are fortunate enough to have constant support through this journey of grief they are on and sadly some have no one to comfort them or give them any support.

Death, no matter how you look at it is a tragic loss of a spouse, a child, mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, grandfather or friends and will affect many people in different ways.

The loss of contact from family and friends at a time like this is a double loss to the grieving person. Already they feel like their world has been turned upside down and part of their own life has died with their loved one. They no longer feel they have a place in this world or how to live or exist and often times they don’t even want to live without their loved one. To have family and friends disappear makes the experience even more devastating.

Maybe you are guilty of this yourself. Maybe you realize it and don’t know what to do about it or maybe you don’t even realize that you are doing this to someone.

* You don't want to face the thought and/or realization of your own mortality.
* You are also dealing with the loss from a different standpoint.
* You don't know what to say or how to act around them.
* You think the grieving person wants to be alone.
* You are afraid you will make them cry or feel worse.

Don't abandon someone suffering the loss of a loved one. Even a short phone call to say "Hi" can mean the world to them at this time. Offer to bring them something to eat; offer to take them for a ride; or offer to just come and sit with them for a while.

Even though it may be hard to make contact and keep in contact with someone who has lost a close loved one, it will mean so much to them and you will have provided some hope and a future life for the one left behind.

7 Steps In Writing a Grief Journal

There are 7 stages of grief that we all go through after the loss of a loved one. Writing or writing in a journal (sometimes called journaling) is one therapeutic way of helping yourself through this traumatic experience and grief.

I have found that once you let the thoughts flow and get them down on paper it is out of your head for the time being and some of the pressure and torment is released. Some people choose to write and keep the writings to read at a later date to see how far they have progressed in their healing process. Some people decide to burn their writings as a form of closure for themselves. Another form of writing is writing a "letter" to your loved one. If it makes you feel more comfortable to write as if you are talking to them, then by all means do that.

Free form writing; just writing as you think, with random thoughts and without any structure whatsoever can help with the anger part of grief. If you are a more structured writer, then using an outlined form will help if maybe some day you decided to publish a book or something to leave to "your" loved ones after you are gone.

1. ANGER: Write what you feel about the anger of losing the loved one, whether it is anger at the loved one, anger at yourself for something you felt you should have done differently or just anger in general because of your loss.

a. Who are you angry at?

b. Why are you angry at them?

c. If you are angry at yourself, why?

2. SHOCK AND DENIAL: Shock and denial is another stage of the grieving process we go through.

a. What happened?

b. Why did it happen?

c. When did it happen?

d. Could you have prevented it?

3. PAIN, REGRET AND GUILT: We all have pain, regret and guilt after a loved one dies. It is how we come to terms with these emotions that will help in the healing process.

a. The pain you feel, is it from loneliness, sadness, the loss of a future that is never to be?

b. Regret. After the death of a loved one, there is always regret. Do you regret something you said, something you did, something you did do or did not do?

c. Guilt. Do you feel guilty about something you should have told your loved one? Do you feel guilty about not trying to change something that happened that day? (maybe one more kiss would have kept him or her from being in that accident; maybe if you had taken him or her to another doctor or hospital).

4. LONELINESS, DEPRESSION, EMPTINESS AND DESPAIR:

a. Loneliness: How do you feel about being alone? Have you ever lived alone before? How will you manage alone?

b. Depression: Is what you are experiencing normal grief or temporary depression or maybe clinical depression? If you have thoughts of suicide or joining your loved one; seek medical attention immediately.

c. Emptiness: Describe what you are feeling, how you feel inside and why?

d. Despair: Do you feel there is no hope of ever coming through this? Do you feel that there will be a future for you but you just have to grieve in your own time?

5. ADJUSTING TO LIFE WITHOUT YOUR "LOVED ONE"

a. Describe how you feel having to make all of the decisions alone now with your loved one gone and you are unable to talk to them about it?

b. Are you financially able to make it on your own or do you have to make major decisions concerning your living arrangements?

c. Do you have hobbies or interests you can resume or begin one that you have always wanted to try?

6. ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE: Whether you decide it is better to accept or acknowledge what has happened is up to you. You have to go through this journey the best way you know how to.

a. Do you accept what has happened?

b. Do you acknowledge what has happened?

c. Do you accept or acknowledge that you did all you could do that was within your control?

7. MOVING FORWARD VERSUS MOVING ON. I do not like the term moving on. In my way of thinking it seems as though I am leaving my husband and my memories behind. I choose to look at it as moving forward with my life but taking my husband and my many memories with me.

a. Write about what you feel as time progresses.

b. Write about what you plan to do or would like to do as you make a new life for yourself.

I am a firm believer in writing to clear your head of all of the jumbled thoughts you have running around in there causing more confusion, stress and ultimately health problems.

Again it is your preference of how and what you write on or in. You can purchase journals with or without lines, journals with or without quotes for prompts to help you get started in writing. You can also just use a regular spiral bound notebook or a composition book for your journal or even a scrap of paper tucked safely away somewhere. It doesn't matter what you use, just write and get all of those feelings out and down on paper.

I have created a text document called My Grief Journal that you can download and print to get started. You can print as many of these as you need for each day and put them in a 3-ring binder to start off your writing and then transfer to a more permanent journal. If I have written on other pieces of paper or scraps of paper, I fold them and insert them into my journal book, secured with a paper clip or if the piece of paper is small enough, just glue or tape it to the journal page.

I am now 7 months into my own "journey of grief" and I will admit I do much better at giving advice than taking it myself but I am working on it. If something I have written here helps someone else or even me, then I will have accomplished what I have set out to do.

Amazon.com has lots of different journals and books to pick from. Just enter "blank journal" in the search box.



I am here for support. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

If you have any problem with the text document My Grief Journal, let me know.

Major Decisions

No matter what your circumstances are, you have suffered a great loss that has altered your life forever in so many ways. There are so many decisions to be made and it can be a daunting task without help and support and living through the shock and "fog" that seems to surround you. You begin to question your own sanity and wonder if you will ever be able to make a rational decision again…ever.

If at all possible DO NOT make any major decisions for at least a year. There may be circumstances beyond your control that would necessitate making a decision because of financial and/or other reasons. Seek advice from someone you trust and try to make the best decision that you can at the time.

In my case I had to make two major decisions within a couple of months after losing my husband, Rea. One was to find another job as I had been laid off about a month after my husband passing away. The other major decision I had to make was to move to a different apartment. I could no longer afford “our home” on my own income. These were two more traumatic experiences I had to endure in the middle of the most traumatic time of my life.

I hate to use the word "lucky" in writing about the loss of a loved one but if you are "lucky" enough to not have to work and are able to stay in your home if you choose and not have to make any type of major decisions, take this time to let yourself heal.

If you find yourself in a position where you have to move to another home or even move in with relatives, life can be more stressful at this time for everyone involved and your recovery may take longer. I also do not like the word recovery.

You will never recover to the point of "life as you knew it" before this event. I should use the word adjust because that is what you are learning to do; adjust to a new you and a new life without your loved one by your side.

I will admit I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of my husband and I don't have all of the answers; I don't think anyone does. I try to take the advice of many members of my GriefShare Yahoo Support Group to get through this time of grief and rediscovery of myself and a new way of living. It seems for every one step forward I take, the next day I will have taken three steps backwards again. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel; I just haven’t seen it yet.

Try to remember:

Unless absolutely necessary, DO NOT make any major decisions for a year.

Take the time you need for yourself; cry, rant, rave and talk to someone.

Join a support group to help you through this time with people who know exactly what you are going through.

If at any time you have thoughts of "joining your loved one", please seek help immediately. Call a friend, get with your support group or even go to an Emergency Room. Your loved one would not want you to harm yourself in any way. You have to live on to keep their memory alive and be proud of knowing and loving them and the time you had together.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. (I have to work on this one myself).

As always, I am here for support and sure could use some myself at times. You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After

Grief - Unresolved Feelings and Regrets (Should-a, Could-a, Would-a)

Your loved one is gone now.

Maybe your loved one went through a long battle with an illness and you were the caregiver and gave your all but you still think, "I should have done this. I would have done this or I could have done that".

Your situation may be that it was a sudden death. You never had a chance to say goodbye. Maybe you had an argument the night before or that morning and said things you cannot take back.

In my case, my husband and I buried our heads in the sand and didn't want to face the fact that he was really that sick. After all, he was an Army Airborne Ranger, having served 30 years in the US Army. He survived many near death situations and close calls but he made it through those times. Why wouldn’t this time be any different? We still had the belief, strength and hope that he would make it through this crisis.

In the days following, you mull over and over in your head what you "should-a, could-a, would-a" said and done if you had only known. I have and am still struggling with the "should-a, could-a, would-a" regrets and guilt.

We all need to learn (including myself) not torture ourselves over what we have no control over now.

1. If you were the caregiver, he or she knew you loved them by the time you spent with them and caring for them.

2. If you had an argument before. You know in your heart it would have been resolved. We all say and do things at times that we don’t really mean. Your loved one knows that and I can guarantee they do not hold anything against you for it.

3. If you tried to get him or her to go to a doctor or the Emergency Room and they refused, you did all you could do. They were going to do what they wanted to do and nothing is going to change that.

Whether you were with your loved one at the end or not, I can almost without a doubt say they were thinking of you at that last moment. I was with my husband at the end. I was also with both my mother and father at their times of leaving this world. Since those times I have said more than once, "I never want to go through anything like that again, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be any place else at that time".

Again, if you were not able to be with your loved one, your love was with them at the time and they are with you now.

I have a friend who lost her husband in 2006 and we were talking and venting about grief and dealing with life after losing a spouse. She copes with her grief in her own way.

She believes that if on the day her husband passed away of an undetected inherited family medical illness and it had been a normal day with her husband driving their son to school; she would have lost both of them. Her sister in law would not have known she also had this same condition, as well as the daughter. My friend now knows that her son should have a medical check up periodically to monitor this inherited condition. As we ended our conversation she also mentioned, "How many lives would have changed and been lost if he had been driving on a freeway that morning?".

Don’t misunderstand, she loved her husband dearly but she has chosen to see the other side of "Should-a, Could-a, Would-a".

I thought to myself, "What a unique woman to have learned to cope with her loss in this way". I cannot apply her thinking to my situation. I see no benefit to anyone whatsoever for my husband being gone. Maybe one day when I have been on this journey a little longer I may be able to look at things from a different perspective, but not yet.

The point I am trying to make is that we have to help ourselves along this "journey we never wanted to be on".

1. Just remember you loved him or her and that will never change. Tell them now. Talk to them.

2. Do you REALLY feel that you did all you could for your loved one? Tell them now. Talk to them.

3. Whatever happened that "day or night" it was their choice such as not going to a doctor or an Emergency Room.

4. Whatever happened that "day or night" was out of their hands also; they didn’t plan to have a car accident or be a victim of some other event.

I still have my own issues with questioning why this happened and questioning my faith in God and I will discuss that in another post but The Serenity Prayer does seem appropriate at this time.

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr

As always, let’s help each other on our "journey". You can email me at: Grief - Life During and After